The Entropy Blog

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There will be spoilers. However, since no one actually watches “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” for the plot, why would you care if you’re spoiled, right?

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First of all, maybe we ought to stop whining about how it was a “bad movie”. It’s not even a real movie. It’s porn. Not the regular kind of porn where you watch bad acting and badly-written scripts just for the sex. It’s the kind where you watch bad acting and a badly-written script just for the giant robots fighting. Why? Because it’s giant fracking robots fighting. Complaining that it was a bad movie is like complaining that “Lesbian Spank Inferno” has a terrible plot. Besides, you knew how bad it was going to be before you handed over your money to Michael Bay. Don’t lie. You saw the incoherent trailers. You knew. Nevertheless, you wanted your fighting robots, so you went and sat through all two and a half hours of it anyway. And let’s face it, when you walked out of the theater, you know you got your money’s worth.

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Everyone in this movie was annoying, except possibly the soldiers, for some reason — I guess mostly because they were young and cute and one of them was English. Also, they didn’t get a lot of lines. OK, the General had a bunch of lines, but he’s played by Glenn Morshower who I think is incapable of being annoying even if he tried. He plays secret service agent Aaron Pierce in the TV series “24”, one of the few characters you are always happy to see every season.

Now when I say everyone was annoying, I mean, yes, even the Autobots. I used to watch the Transformers cartoons, and it was hardly Masterpiece Theater, but I never remember Optimus Prime being this cheesy. Seriously. He was so annoying that when he died, I felt nothing. Even if Bay had jammed “The Touch” in that scene, I still wouldn’t have cared.

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(But wait, you say. Why are you, Tania, saying we ought to stop whining about how bad the movie was and then writing a blog post about how bad the movie was? Because, gentle readers, I watch porn to mock it. Also, I watch porn to see if there’s anything weird I haven’t tried yet. But mostly to mock it. Can I go back to mocking Transformers now? Good.)

I actually enjoyed Bay’s first “Transformers” film. Seeing those gigantic hulks of metal transform for the first time was breathtaking. And in that movie, at least you knew whom to root for because you could still tell the robots apart, unlike in this sequel. And when Bumblebee was captured, I wanted to cry. And no ancient Egyptian ruins were, uh, ruined in that movie. Look, I know we were supposed to root for Sam getting the magic matrix dust to Optimus, but all I kept thinking was, oh my god, the people living in that town must be scared shitless — couldn’t they have picked another spot for their last stand, they’re surrounded by five million miles of desert for chrissake? And speaking of god, was that .. robot heaven?

No, wait. I feel now that I must apologize. “Lesbian Spank Inferno” had a better plot.

3 Comments

  1. faith

    Hehehe. Love what my friend said in her review–“The matrix was protectively encased within a robot orgy, hahaha.”

    Reply

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