So, yeah, we went and saw “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” yesterday. Jensen Ackles
whores fangirls LusciousK and I were raring to go, but she was hesitant about asking our other friends to join us. Specifically, that the movie would be so bad they would walk out in the middle of the screening and/or demand a refund from us. My opinion was that anyone who buys a ticket to a movie entitled “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” has no business demanding refunds. No one expects Masterpiece Theater here, people.
We managed to convince three others to join us.
First off, it turns out I was right and that this movie would’ve been loads more fun if one actually saw it in 3-D. (Which we would have if the only 3-D theater in the Metro actually screened it.) Every swing of the pickaxe, every ridiculous camera, uh, trick was specifically, uh, engineered for the 3-D experience. What would even have been more fun? If the distributor hadn’t edited out most of the gore (there was a scene with a woman in full frontal, however, that was kept in — odd), which we assume was so they could get something like a PG13 rating, which allows more people to watch it. I don’t think it worked though, because during the 4pm screening on a Saturday, we were the only five people in the theater. Which was actually great, because we got to talk and laugh as hard as we wanted without worrying we were bothering anybody. After all, what self-respecting Doctor Who fan can look at the killer in his gas mask and not go, “Are you my mommy?” Then there’s the loud whimpering whenever Jensen Ackles appeared on the screen.
Oh, Jensen. The man is usually a fine actor when he has to be, but then he doesn’t have hilariously bad lines in his regular gig, so I just assume it took all his talent to keep from laughing every five seconds in this movie. Sadly, the most nekkid he got in this one (at least in the cut version we were treated to) was a tank top. Yes, they dared subject us to this horror without what would’ve been well-appreciated shirtlessness. Jaime King, whose other work I rather like (and also did not take her kit off — not that any of us cared), looked like she was vibrating everytime she spoke, and only got her act together in the last twenty minutes, I guess because she was mostly just running and screaming.
After that gorefest, we headed straight to the Old Spaghetti House for dinner. U. suggested we join her to watch “Jay” in MegaMall, but I already felt I had been inside the theater for too long, I could not go back within the next 24 hours. The others, however, felt a good movie was needed to wash their brains out from the cinematic badness we had just witnessed. I suggest that unless you’re watching MBV3D purely for Jensen (yes, there are a few of us) or you can appreciate the goodness of a bad slasher movie, that you prepare a similar post-movie rehab plan. They say “Jay” is pretty good.