The evening started out innocuously. We had a nice dinner at Serendra (Texas Roadside Grill — where the mozzarella sticks are awesome and the chicken tenders are greasy), then coffee at Bo’s.
I think that was where the talk of cats started. M– insisted we try the crap coffee.
“You mean the coffee is bad?” I asked.
“No. The beans are fed to cats, which then passes through the animals’ digestive systems whole and then pooped out. Gives them a special quality.”
That was the weirdest thing I’ve heard all week. I said, “OK, I’m game.”
So we go to Bo’s, but it turns out they had run out of the cat crap coffee. (Of course they called it something else, I couldn’t remember what.) We had to order regular coffee that did not come out a domestic animal’s bum, but I think we were fine with that.
After an hour or so, we noticed a Wifi router installed on the ceiling. We then asked a barista for the password for the free Wifi, and then started browsing. To be specific, I– and D– began browsing the LOLCATS websites.
For those of you who have been living under a rock, the LOLCATS websites are sites featuring photos of cats in various poses and situations with funny captions. These captions are in a retarded form of English. For example:
By the time we were done with coffee, we all began to sound like those damn cats.
“Why iz you pointing that Yahoo!signal everywhere? You iz gonna call the Yahoo!man.”
The car beside us runs the red light. “He can haz break traffic rulz!”
Another car in front of us does not move even when the light has turned green. “You can haz go!” I– yelled at him as we drive by.
M– was already close to weeping at this point. Probably thinking of the thousands in tuition money that had been paid so we could all learn good grammar, now wasted. Probably forever.
We dropped B– off at Emerald avenue, and we the street market that seemed to be selling all sorts of food.
“Hey, we can go get puto bungbong.” I’ve never had puto bungbong ever.
“WHAT???” I– demanded.
“I, uh, can haz puto bungbong?”
Those cats are evil, I tell ya.
What if those cats are really the ones running those websites? Maybe they were able to develop mutant intellect and crazy dexterity in their limbs without anyone knowing it? What if their short-term goal was to ruin the language skills of all humans, to the point where we could no longer communicate any thought more complex than “I can haz cheeseburger”? Once all deep thinking stops, we humans will be easy pickings and the cats will rule the world.